resolution
/ˌrɛzəˈl(j)uːʃn/
noun
1.
a firm decision to do or not to do something.
Similar: intention/resolve/decision/intent/aim
aspiration/design/purpose/object/plan/commitment
pledge/promise/undertaking
If we sit for a moment with this word, and the idea that comes every year, every time we link arms and sing loudly and off key 'Auld lang syne', the next day, on the 1st of January, we MUST turn over all these new ideas, force ourselves through the grey cold of January, towards a 'better' version of ourselves.
In recent years, the New Year's Resolution has been picked apart and put in its place. January is not the right time to be trying to unfurl and start again. We are still in winter, and the dark holds us even though the nights are shortening. The grey skies and very cold air can be tough to combat.
I've been thinking of the year just gone, and also what I want from 2025. I found myself sitting with these resolutions. Could they perhaps be a way to come back to ourselves, could we make a decision to do things that make us, well, more US.
2024, was a year of false starts for me, patience being tested and having to make some hard decisions. Parts of myself have been left behind, floating just out of sight, or if I'm being honest, have been packed away into suitcases waiting for the right moment to open them up and revisit them. Like finally getting to go on that trip you've been waiting for.
I've been haunted by morality a little, having lost a a couple of very significant people within the last 5 years. And I can feel this mad panic to 'just get on with it', then I get frozen and don't know how to proceed. There are too many ideas, hesitations, and what-ifs. So I thought, 2025, could it be that I'm not trying to "level up" or be the best version of myself, but perhaps a more real version of myself? Someone who could care less, think less and forge ahead. Prepared to acknowledge that it will be a process, things won't be fixed, learnt, changed or actualised straight away.
I listened to an interview with Jameela Jamil, I love how she shows up in the world, for herself and other women. The idea of the 'relaxed woman' was bandied around, and the fact, that for most of us this doesn't exist. I have to say I do not know one 'relaxed woman', as in, a woman who feels safe, secure in her skin, one who is not tending to the needs of others, one who is not tumbling through the past, or worrying about the future, one who is not trying to keep her children safe, loved, well, one who is not scared at night, one who can't give herself a break if she isn't being seen as good enough. I mean the list goes on. You might not agree with me, I don't mean that women can't find moments of relaxation, but our role, in this world, is not a particularly relaxing one.
SO, bare with, I am going somewhere with this, can it be possible to make a resolution that is to be more relaxed? In a world that is always shouting at us, to do more, eat well, run, don't run, dance, don't dance, walk far, don't sit down etc etc etc. the endless list of the ways we should be good, could we perhaps investigate the space of ways to be more relaxed?
This doesn't mean giving up, or letting go of being healthy, or well, striving or happy... But for me, 2024, was anything but a relaxed year.
I thought about why and I landed on privilege. Being generally relaxed a lot of the time is a privilege.
I thought of this, during the interview, she(J) has beauty, connections and money. These things can of course buy you a little more time to be relaxed. When, you're working a number of jobs, and trying to keep your family well, you can't be relaxed...OR, can we? My meditation teacher in India, was like a floating spirit, this may sound mad, but I've never met anyone like him and to this day, still haven't. He seemed so relaxed, but that was because he was so present. When each of us interacted with him, it was like he was just there, so focused, aware and truly present, his breath steady, his shoulders soft. Could this be being relaxed? being present, being calm, being held and being safe?
I don't have the answeres, I just wanted to come on here and ramble away, I have been feeling so stuck, unsure of how to show up in the wellbeing world, which feels like it's getting harder and harder to navigate. So i hope you can take something from my thoughts and reflections today.
So, 2025, let's be having you. But I will be trying to be more relaxed(as I set a resolution of what that might actually look like for me) and I want to journey back to myself. I started drawing again, and that felt like home, I just do the odd drawing or doodle here and there nothing serious.
I'm also hoping to journey back to my musical roots, starting piano lessons(if I can scrape the funds together, abundance calling in!) and singing again. I'm working on some new music ideas and I hope to record more tracks, that are of slightly better quality and production value. I always think, who we are can get lost as adults, but we get sick, ill, sad if we leave essential parts of ourselves out.
I'm also heading back to therapy, I had been putting it off, again, mainly because of cash flow(I'm attempting to move next year) but it felt needed, to be well, for me, means having a tool kit, and knowing which tools to use, how often to use them and if you can. It's not for everyone, and I know many can't afford it, but I decided to find the money, I'll give up something else in order to look after my mind. We aren't robots, life is bloody mad sometimes, and we are all doing our best.
I'm not sure I've reached a conclusion, but I do hope I've maybe given you pause for thought, as you plant the seeds of 2025, that will begin to show up in Spring, could these seeds be relaxed, more YOU, more free, more 'f*** the patriarchy' and just be beautifully YOU.
A final thought.
What is BEHIND the resolution? Is it a truthful, inspired, hopeful, joyous voice. Is it something you WANT, truly want.
And what if you know, that you're good enough. but you deserve to be relaxed, healthy, loved and well.
Wrap your child self in love, and call in what they need. Life is short. be more relaxed(when you've figured out how to do this, please let me know).
Much love, here's to 2025.
Ps: Whenever I write a blog post, that is a little more 'real' or from the heart, I find myself conjuring up counter arguements, ways that I've perhaps not explained myself, or the inner monologue of 'who am I to be writing such stuff'... so, I just wanted to add. There are many, many things in this world right now(genocide, war, women's rights, climate crisis, cost of living etc etc), that we cannot be relaxed about, things we aught to fight for, feel for and strive for(change). I do hope you read between the lines of my end-of-year blog, and see when it is the right time to relax and when it is the right time not too. x
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